What's Up, Doc?
By Brate
Challenge: Take an experience from your own life (funny, sad, tragic, heart-warming, adventurous) and put one of the guys in your place. Any length, any universe.
ATF Universe
"Well, there was the time I ripped off a dwarf..."
Everyone at the table stilled and turned to stare at Vin Tanner.
"What did you say?" asked Nathan Jackson.
"I was jest sayin' I could tell y'all 'bout the time I stole a dwarf."
"You mean you stole from a dwarf," Josiah Sanchez asked in shock.
"Nope." Vin shook his head. "Stole the dwarf."
"You have certainly garnered our attention, Mr. Tanner," drawled Ezra Standish. "You have the floor."
The men of Team Seven had been sitting around a table at the Saloon, bullshitting about the various embarrassing exploits of their youth. The stories between Buck Wilmington and JD Dunne had continued to escalate until the tales became too tall even for the mustached rogue to reach.
Vin had sat, sipping his drink and exchanging amused glances with Chris Larabee when Chris had jerked his head as if to say, "Let's hear one from you."
"Go ahead and share your story, Brother Vin," Josiah rumbled, "we're all ears."
"Ain't no big thing," Vin stated, reluctant to continue now that he had their unfocused attention. "I was stayin' with this one foster family fer a while, in a quiet 'burb. Jest around the corner from their house was this other house - gaudiest fuckin' place. The entire front was filled with every imaginable lawn ornament... including Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."
"I've seen houses like that," Jackson said. "It looks like a yard sale exploded."
"Them's the ones," Vin agreed. "My friend, Heath, and I passed that house every day on the way to school. We made fun of it all the time. One night we fixed on a mission..."
Everyone leaned forward.
"We decided to kidnap a dwarf."
Inez set her tray down with another round of drinks, startling the men. Everyone chuckled nervously and leaned back recovering their aloofness. As soon as she left, Vin continued, and the men sat forward once again.
"Heath had a van, and I became the getaway driver. I can't 'member what time it was, I know it was dark, but I don't think it was all that late. I drove up next to the house, keeping the lights off. Hell, we were so stoked, I started hummin' the theme song to Mission Impossible." Vin smiled as he reminisced. "Heath jumped outta the sliding door and ran across the yard. He picked up a dwarf, but then he ran back to the van empty-handed... I asked him why he didn't bring it back and he said it was heavy. I told him, 'I don't give a shit, jest get one'."
"So forceful in your youth," Larabee drawled.
Vin gave a half-hearted wave of his middle finger. "Heath ran back and grabbed the one with glasses. He ran - all hunched over - back to the van. Jest as he reached it, the neighbor from across the street came outta his house, yelling at us."
"What did you do?" Nathan asked.
"Only thing I could. I slammed the van into drive and took off like a bat outta hell. Heath managed to get in before I took off, otherwise I mighta left 'em there. I'd already been in some trouble and didn't want to risk gettin' busted for somethin' as stupid as this. How embarrassing would that be... bein' sent to juvie fer stealin' an elf?"
"Dwarf," JD corrected.
Buck slapped him on the back of the head and motioned for Vin to continue. Their friend had never spoken at length about anything and they were entranced by the fact Vin was telling it, as much as for the story itself.
"Anyways, we knew he couldn't've gotten the plate number, but Heath and me were still nervous as hell. We drove down two blocks and found a quiet side street. We slid the door open and I helped him roll the dwarf into a small ditch. He'd been right, it was heavy; the damn thing was solid cement.
"We drove around fer a bit. Ducked into a theater parking lot and was scared shitless when a cop car pulled in, too. As if stealing a lawn ornament would mean an immediate APB."
The table full of men rolled with laughter at the thought of a phalanx of officers called in for such a task.
Vin waited until his comrades were under control. "We high-tailed it back to my place. Heath stayed there that night and I'll be damned it there weren't a knock on m'door early the next morning. Luckily my foster folks was gone fer the weekend, 'cause when I opened the door, there stood a cop."
"How'd they find you?" JD asked, saved from a slap this time because Buck had been about to ask that as well.
Vin smiled. "I wondered the same damn thing. It even flashed through m'head that they found the dwarf and checked fer fingerprints."
Dunne chuckled.
"B'fore I had a chance to confess, the officer asked me if I knew whose van was parked on the street. Looking out, I saw he was pointing' at Heath's. I shook m'head and said, 'Nope.' Still not sure if he believed me, but he nodded and made a note in his book. I asked him what the trouble was and he told me one of my neighbor's had been vandalized. The perpetrators had fled in a van - like the one parked in front of my house.
"I tried to keep an innocent expression while he was tellin' me all this, and hoped Heath would stay asleep. He was always a shitty liar. Luck was with me, fer once, and the cop left."
"He never came back?" Josiah asked.
Vin shook his head. "Apparently dwarf vandalism wasn't a high priority in those days." He shrugged. "And damned if'n that house didn't have a replacement within a week. We was never sure if they found the one we stole, bought a new one, or just had a spare dwarf layin' around."
A round of laughter rippled through the group once more.
"Anyways, we were so embarrassed at our failed covert operation we swore not to tell anyone else. O' course that didn't stop us from raggin' on each other. When one of us got too uppity, th' other would simply remind 'im of our stupidity."
"Just a moment, Mr. Tanner." Standish's brow wrinkled in thought. "Now that I think upon it, I seem to recall a statuette upon your desk in a decidedly prominent place."
"Heath and me still stay in touch," Vin admitted. "Ev'ry once in a while I'll get a package in the mail containin' a Doc figurine. I do the same ta him. Keeps 'im grounded."
"Wait a minute." Larabee eyed his best friend suspiciously. "What's Heath's last name?"
Vin smirked as he answered, "Graham."
"The Lieutenant Governor?" JD asked in astonishment.
"The one and only."
Chris shook his head in mock despair. "And here I thought there was one politician with no skeletons in his closet."
"A dwarf-snatcher," Buck spouted. "They's the worst kind of desperado."
"Can't trust 'em," Jackson added.
"Goodness knows I would never want one on my team," Standish agreed.
"Not someone who would be vile enough to pick on one of God's defenseless creatures," Josiah intoned.
"Even I would never be that stupid," JD said.
Larabee stood. "I can't stand the sight of ya, Tanner." The others followed suit and pushed up from the table. "We'll need a bit to get over this."
"Come on, guys," Vin said as the team walked out the door. "Like what I did was so bad," he mumbled as he sat down and finished his beer.
Inez walked up to the lone occupant of the corner table and placed the bar bill down. "Chris said it was your turn to pay," she told him with a grin.
"Oh, he did, did he?" Vin pulled out his wallet and slapped the cash down. "When did he say this?"
The sexy barmaid shrugged. "Soon after you arrived. He mentioned something about a payback." She noticed Vin's irritated expression. "I hope I didn't do anything wrong."
"Oh, don't worry, Inez," Tanner soothed. "I'll get my friend Doc to help me out with a little payback of m'own." Vin smiled at the notion. "He's always ready fer a mission"
